


You're the one whom I find over and over again

by dragmedownstyles



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depressing, Hurt Louis, M/M, Mention of sex, Non-Graphic Violence, Problems, Top Harry, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-26
Updated: 2013-10-26
Packaged: 2017-12-30 13:24:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1019128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragmedownstyles/pseuds/dragmedownstyles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry is violent toward Louis and Louis tries to tolerate whit it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're the one whom I find over and over again

**Author's Note:**

> I already posted this but with a different user. So I re-post this and I tried to fix some mistakes and there's probably a lot left yet, but im trying to do something about them!

No-one knows where it all began. Actually, no-one is even aware of what could happen behind  the closed doors. No-one know how deep they are in the black pit.

Neither Louis nor Harry doesn't know it when or why it began. It just kind of happened.

But at this moment, as ever, Louis looking at the world through a broken glass which is lying on the floor of blood among, all over the place just like Louis' feelings.

Lump in his throat and with a trembling hand he seeks a towel which lies on the edge of the tub. Sudden stabbing pain stopped Louis' movement and he couldn't do anything but look at his leaking hand. Tiredly he moved his gaze to back to the towel.

So close but so far. Just like his Harry, and Louis' tired, so tired to reach something that is so far, far away.

After a few moment of sobbing, he drops his hands and give up. Curl up into a ball even though it hurts like hell. He gives his memories and thoughts meet the relentless pace of his mind but one thought stands above the rest. _It just hurts everywhere_. He totally feels pain everywhere

In his ribs,  
In his arms,  
In his back  
And for the first time in his face.

First time when he met Harry. First time when they talk properly. Their first date. Their first kiss. His and Harry's first time. Their first year together, then second, third and fourth. Their own flat and new friends. Everything was just fine, so fine. Except that no-one knows what happened. No-one. Not even Louis or Harry. It feels like that all good memories have just thrown away.  
  
 _It was only once, he wouldn't do it anymore._

After every dispute and bruises, Louis believes it to be the last time.  
Like today, he find himself hugging his knees and repeating the same mantra over and over again inside his head alone on the bathroom floor.

________________________

They never talk about it. Never, even though Louis' bruised skin screams the attention to itself. It just works between them. Louis' quiet about it and Harry pretend that nothing has happened.

Like every time, after supervised night, Louis lies motionless in their bed  in the early hours. He's mentally too tired  to get up and he doesn't want to try it either. He just stares quietly and numbly their photograph which is on the nightstand.

It's a nice picture. It has taken from Harry's home and they're sitting happily on the couch, Louis in Harry's lap. They both look so happy and in love. He tries to grab it but the same pain in his arms and ribs stops him.

He doesn't hear the clock's ticking, he's not even sure that time moves. Then Louis remembered that the clock is broken on the floor, just like his mind. In the morning he would have to gather it together and try to fix it, like he does every time with his own heart.

In the dark hours of the morning, Harry's snorting next to him, Louis wonders how it would feel like to just leave of this bed and walk away. Just to find something better, but.

Here he is, however, in the same bed. The same person as before but with a changed man.

Quietly Louis swallows the lump in his throat and closes his swollen eyes, making his best to avoid the tears when Harry turns around and captures Louis in his warm and gracious arms. Silence fell in the room and Louis counts the breaths that Harry takes.

But Louis is weak, so weak. He just stops to seeking something that has already been lost and turns around and let himself dive into Harry's familiar and warm hug which had been so safe before.

At the same time Louis is sure that his heart just died because of the emptiness, sadness and yearning in his heart feels like a endlessly growing burden. What's something that even Harry cannot help anymore.

Noiselessly hoping, silent wishes and sobs escapes out his lips.

________________________

Louis knows that he's lying to himself, oh how he knows it but like always, he just tries to deny the existence of whole thing.

He will be okay, he truly will. As long as he will continue to deny things and pretend that everything is okay. Because there isn't anything else to hold on, it's all what he has.

But as he knows it won't happen. Still Louis tries desperately convince himself that the disputes  between he and Harry hasn't increased at all. And Louis doesn't find himself increasingly crying on the bathroom floor.

His mantra has become meaningless but desperately seeking help, the same drowned desires come out as like the tears and sobs.

Once again Louis surrenders to try to reach the towel.

________________________

"Louis," rough and low voice called him in the darkness. Louis is wide awake, as always, but at this time he isn't alone.

"Yeah?"  
  
"Do– Do you ever feel like that you're insignificant and so small when darkness captures you?" Harry asks silently, like he would be a part of the darkness.

Louis turns carefully around in their bed and stares Harry's bare back. A few moments of thinking Harry's words, he suddenly realised that Harry is waiting his answer.

"Ev–every night," Louis tells truthfully, closing lazily his eyes. Now it was Louis' turn to feel when Harry turns around. Slowly Louis opens his eyes, kind of worried that harry could see behind them.

And so Harry does.

They're staring at each other a few minutes in silent, discussing noiselessly. They don't need any words because at the first time for a long time they open themselves to each other and show everything. They haven't been for so long this open than they're at this moment.

Louis doesn't know how long they have been quiet and just stared each other but he doesn't care. He wants to tell Harry everything with his eyes that he didn't dare to say out loud.

"I'm sorry, Lou."

Louis didn't react. He dares not go to repair his own heart's bits and pieces, as the repair and collection of his heart's shards is hard in itself but surely if Harry will break his heart once more, Louis is sure it will be his mental end.

Louis stares at Harry imploring before Harry nodded quickly. Then he leans forward and press his lips against the smaller, contrite man.

As request, Louis gives his tears flow down. All the promises, insults and desires flows from his eyes as an evidence to Harry.

_Yes, it's me._

Quietly sobbing Louis lets everything go and respond the kiss hesitantly.

Every touch in Louis' skin is like a promise of a better, at the same time as the former promises flow through his swollen cheek. Each affectionate kiss on the cheek, shoulder, jaw, chest, neck and the corner of the eye is a silent apology.

And Louis' endlessly sobbing is unsure answer for everything, like

_I'm sorry, I don't know, I'm tired_

Harry's wandering hands are very gently on the Louis' body, when he's moving them over the bruising and swollen parts as feeling, experimenting and with regret. Louis put his hands Harry's hair, as Harry moved gently astride on  the top of the smaller man. Louis stares Harry as if he sees him for the first time but in reality he's just desperate to save everything the possible affectionate moments with Harry that he can think back them anytime and anywhere he wants to.

"K–Kiss me," Louis implores as the tears stream down his face. With care Harry leans forwards and pressed his lips against Louis' swollen and wound lips. Slowly, Harry moves his tongue against Louis' lower lip as begging for more.

Instinctively nodding, Louis quietly parted his lips, deepening the kiss gently. Harry's hands flowed below, taking up onto the Louis' arse.

"Please," Louis begs between the kisses.

With a gentle and carefully, Harry prepares Louis and praises him as Louis' moans fill the dark room.

Louis wants to hold onto the moment and never let go because such moments like this are the ones which will help him to keep himself together. The moments when Harry pushed his dick slowly and gently, almost teasingly into Louis. All the nasty and anguished moments Louis could take a million times over, so that he could just stay in this moment and never, ever move forward.

At the same time as Louis would like to hold onto the moment, the same moment hurts him more than anything else.

All the pain that he has experienced so far is nothing compared to the pain that Louis feels when he realises that he cannot live in this moment forever and it has to end at some point. Only what he can do is just squeeze his eyes shut and enjoying the feeling when Harry is everywhere around him.  And this time with a good way.

Harry whispers promises of Louis' ear with loving voice almost like singing. He joins their hands together and Louis is confident that he could die.

Everything is so, so great. Harry's lips against his ear and mouth, their hands, Harry's familiar body against his. Harry's every touch and every thrust send Louis to heaven or hell. He can't decide which one it is. It's all too much and overwhelming that Louis starts to sob again but neither Louis nor Harry care about it. Harry just kisses the tears away and continues promising to Louis, thrusting deeper each time.

"Ha–Harry," Louis groans brokenly, squeezing Harry's hand tighter against his own.

_I'm right here, love, right here. Don't let me go._

Harry comes after a few thrusts, Louis' name in his lips. Louis follows him right after repeating Harry's name over and over again, like a mantra. Carefully Harry moves next to Louis and hold him with love. Harry kisses Louis' hair, face and everything that he can reach.

Louis lies quietly with eyes closed just enjoying the moment cuddling with Harry. No matter how Louis tries to deny it, he know that this doesn't change anything.

It hasn't changed before so it won't in this time either. So with more contrite heart and more invisible tears, he falls asleep which is first time for a long time he can when Harry holds him. No matter how much sweet nothings Harry whispers to him, Louis repeating the same, familiar mantra inside his head.

________________________

Next morning Harry wakes up alone.

"Louis?"

There is no answer. There is no small, sensitive body next to Harry. There is no brown tuft of hair. There is no blue sleepy eyes which would watch him fixedly. There is no small hands which would travel around Harry's body. There is no lazy morning kisses. There is no giggles. There is no Louis.

Hasn't been for a long time.

"Louis?!" Harry tries again. He knows that all what he has done is so, so wrong and he realised it but it was too late. He wanted to make it good for Louis. But he's late and how he hates himself for that.

Harry rotates around their flat and when he arrives back to the bedroom, he sees a paper front of their photograph.

With puffy eyes, Harry takes the paper, sits on the edge of the bed and reads it.

_Dear Harry,_

_I don't find any words to describe what happens inside of my head._

_I just want you to be happy._

_A lot has been promised_  
 _More has been broken_  
 _I'm awake next to you_  
 _And I see your beauty_  
  
 _You are the one whom_  
 _I find over and over again_  
 _I'm here again, ready_  
 _For a new round_  
  
 _But there's nothing about me_  
 _There's nothing new about me_  
 _I'm still the same_  
 _The same mind_  
 _The same heart_  
 _The same man_  
  
 _I do remember_  
 _The swear words and the recrimination_  
 _And I forgive_  
 _Even the abuse_  
  
 _But I don't promise anything_  
 _I don't promise anything else_  
 _I'm still the same_  
 _The same mind_  
 _The same heart_  
 _The same person_  
  
 _I have said everything_  
 _The night changes to a morning_  
 _If you still want_  
 _I will come back_

_Miss you, love xx_

_Louis_

**Author's Note:**

> It's up to you is this a good end or bad, but if you want continuation for this, lemme know :)


End file.
